|
| fuck,
FUCK.....
floating sensiatations of wanting something other than "no"
| | |
| Slowly, piecies are floating in. I know what he'll say about me when
I'm sleeping in the other room... what he'll say when his friends ask
him about me. I know how he'll look at me. I know what he'll say
quietly, late at night. I know what he'll say in the middle of the
afternoon... when we go to the playground to remember what it was like
to be young, and worry about nothing more than running and laughing for
awhile.
Slowly he comes into being in my mind. He is still hazy. It might be a
long time before he really comes int being. But, I know he's there.
| | |
| I feel as if a certian amount of unhappiness is normal... simply
because i expet things so often to pick up right where they've left
off--- because few things seem to change for me over gaps and spans of
time doesn't necessarly mean that anyone elses life is the same.
In the recent time period i feel as if my mind is quickly deterorating.
It's like I can't even carry on a real conversatation anymore. I don't
know what it is... perhaps it's just the lack of social skills coming
out??? or perhaps it's just something else. I've also gotten quite
awful at remebering things. I used to be able to repeate lectures
almost word for word.. answer questions on final exams with the exact
phrasing that was used in lecture.... and yet now I find it hard to
grasp the concepts-- perhaps because so many of them i'm not really
interested in... which has always been one of my pitfalls... but at the
same time... i don't understand why suddenly I can't talk to people, I
can't focus in class... what's going on!? I can't even remeber people's
names.. the people I live with. As much as I'd like to get to know
them, I feel like there's a wall between me and them-- and the thing is
when I think logicaly about it, it must be that it is me putting that
wall there, because no one else seems to feel it or react to it.
I'd like to think that all these strange things are just because i'm
stressed and feel like i have a million things to do and no time to do
it in. Perhaps that's just exactly what this year is supposed to feel
like. People have clasically said it's the hardest... but it's so hard
for me to think of the next nine weeks as "gotta get through this"
because it's shitty to live life that way.
It makes me think about walking away from it all. I'm not sure that a
trip to self discovery would help me at all right now--- and I'm not
saying that I ever have or ever would seriously consider leaving
Stanford... it's just that i sit here and feel boring. What do I bring
to the picture? Sure, there are things that i am successful at, but it
seems the larger world doesn't give a fuck. While I'm not trying to
please the outside world, it's hard sometimes to explain why you spend
so much time doing something that no one cares about. Gah. I don't even
want to get into this. I'm so fustrated with the lack of athletic
support we get from nearly every side.
What's funny is as distantly as I've thought about what I'd do if i
wasn't here, it's just get a job... and live on my own... or go to
europe. The thing about europe is that I have no idea what I'd do once
I got there. I think it's just the feeling of escape. I really do hope
that two huge australian men show up at my dorm room at some point this
year.
I find the other thing that i struggle with is calling to attention
when I feel that I've been wronged. With a few exceptions, it seems to
be one of my biggest struggles. Instead of saying something in the
moment, I pull away and just tell myself it's the other person's
choice. They chose to be that way, and to make those decisions. I still
end up being upset or angry about it though, because sometimes the
words and actions stick with me far longer than ever anticipiated. It
makes me think again about the people i know, and how well I know them.
Which i know is stupid for the reason that i would susspect that most
of the time these people don't even know they're doing anything that
bothers me. It doesn't make a lot of sense I know. But, there it is.
I have class now.
| | |
| Day by day, moment by moment, i lose feeling. Werid. When I find
someone special.. he will be the one who makes me feel again. I worry
though, that I will could be numb before he arrives.
It's amazing how much shit like this happens-- and how little moments
of pain wear away such that.... i feel nothing. i have no regrets, but
at the same time, so much pain instead of making me more open to those
bad things--- it makes me close the doors to each person... day by
day...moment by moment. It's funny though-- as each person exits,
another enters. We're never really able to fully let go.. but after so
long-- i feel nothing.
I can feel each little bit of emotion leaving me-- everytime-- it feels
like getting chills... but it's deeper. Turn around one day, and i'm
gone.
| | |
| i hate staring at the boy all the other girls look at. he does look a little like heath ledger though.
yum.. heath. | | |
|
